The internet is your number one source for Britney Spears gossip. She has gotten her hubby Kevin Federline a movie role in a film playing a Hip Hop wannabe. Mary-Kate and Asley Olsen, Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock co-star.

FADE IN:

INT. RADIO STUDIO – DAY

SPLIFF DADDY, a rap mogul, SUPREME, rapper, DAME, assistant, LIL PRIM, female rapper and the DJ sit around the microphones.

SUPREME
MURDA.

DJ
That was Supreme’s newest single
from his new album. He and his
Killer Inc crew are still with us.

DAME
Holler.

DJ
Spliff, you came up with a totally
new way to market Supreme’s album.
Can you tell us about it?

SPLIFF
We’ve put 1 golden card into one
of the albums. If you buy that album
and you find the golden card, my
company, Killer Inc will give you
a record deal.

DJ
Does this marketing gimmick have
anything to do with you life and
death rivalry with the Moth
Records crew?

SPLIFF
Moth Records is a joke. We will
wipe them off the face of the hip
hop community.

DJ
You heard it. Go buy the album and
maybe you’ll get a record deal.

EXT. TRAILER – DAY

HAYSTACK, fat, 20’s opens the door and gets inside.

INT. TRAILER – DAY

JOHNNY, early 20’s, drinks beer and strums on a guitar. WOODY, early 20’s smokes a joint and strums on a bass guitar. They watch television. On the wall is a big Confederate flag.

JOHNNY
Oh Black Betty, bamalam. Oh Black
Betty bamalam. Black Betty had a
child bamalam. The damn kid gone
wild bamalam.

WOODY
Come on bitch show us your titties.
You said American Beauty had titties
in it. Where are they?

JOHNNY
Yeah, Haystack, we’ve been watching
for half an hour.

HAYSTACK
Look what I got.

He shows them a golden card.

WOODY
They gave you a credit card?

HAYSTACK
No, man, I found this in the new
Supreme album.

JOHNNY
I thought the Supremes were dead
already.

WOODY
Why are you listening to soul music
anyway? Something wrong with Toby Keith?

HAYSTACK
I mean Supreme, the rapper. This card
means we get a record deal.

WOODY
Record deal?

HAYSTACK
Yeah.

JOHNNY
All right.

The three of them high five.

JOHNNY
Oh man, we’re gonna get laid.
Big time.

WOODY
Damn, we missed the tittie scene.

They look at the TV.

INT. NEW YORK MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

Spliff Daddy is sitting behind his desk reading a book titled “Hollywood’s newest fad YOGA” and “If you liked Scientology, you’ll love Yoga.” Dame enters.

DAME
We got two R&B wannabes, who wanna
spit their 16 bars for you.

SPLIFF
All right. Send them in.

Dame walks to the door.

DAME
Come in girls.

Two sexy looking FLY GIRLS enter the office.


INT. MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

FLY GIRL 1
Hi, Mr. Spliff Daddy. Me and my sister
wanna spit a few bars, if that’s Ok?
We wrote the song ourselves.

Spliff looks them up and down.

SPLIFF
Ok indeed. Spit.

Dame opens a bottle of champagne and pours Spliff a glass. With some difficulty he lights Spliff’s cigar.

FLY GIRLS
Put your hand on my heart,
feel what I feel. Look deep
into my eyes, see what you’re…

Supreme enters the room and wiggles his body.

FLY GIRLS
…doing to me. Does it make you
feel big to see me sad?

SUPREME
Murda!

The girls cower.

SPLIFF
This is our star rapper Supreme.
You know him.

FLY GIRLS
Yes we do. It was just so unexpected.

SPLIFF
You girls are good, but I see a few
holes we gotta fill. Stay around the
studio and me and the guys will see
to that.

The girls jump up and down.
FLY GIRL 1
All right, we did it.

INT. BUILDING, HALL - DAY

Johnny, Woody and Haystack enter the building. There is a sign reading “Killer Inc 7th floor”. They walk to the lift and push the button.

INT. LIFT – DAY

The word “garage” is lit. BRITNEY SPEARS, a FAT MAN and a BUSINESSMAN enter. A box of pills falls out of Britney’s backpack. The fat man picks them up.

The box reads “Slim even Faster” and “Side effect: gas”. He offers them to the girl. She accepts them with a smile.

The doors close. Britney carefully looks to her left and to her right and closes her eyes. A faint smile appears on her face.

Immediately the businessman and the fat man put their hands in front of their nose. The businessman gives the fat man an angry look.

The word “Street level” is lit. The doors open and Johnny and his friends enter, push number 7 and stand in the back of the lift. The doors close.

JOHNNY
(whispering)
That’s Britney.

Britney carefully looks to her left and to her right and closes her eyes.

WOODY
No way.

He takes a step to look at the side of her face. His face lights up.

WOODY
Hi Britney.

He slaps her butt. Britney’s boobs explode, leaving her dizzy and her face blackened.

JOHNNY
What happened?

The doors open and Britney staggers away. Woody raises his hands gesturing he doesn’t know. The doors close.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, HALL – DAY

Johnny knocks on the door. Nothing. He opens the door.

JOHNNY
Here’s Johnny.

Nothing. They enter.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, WAITING ROOM – DAY

HAYSTACK
Hello y’all. We found the golden card.

Party sounds come out of the other room. Johnny opens the door.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

Spliff, Supreme, Dame and the fly girls, clad in bikinis are drinking champagne, smoking weed and dancing. Johnny and his friends enter the room. Supreme sees them.

SUPREME
Murda.

Spliff looks up and sees them.

SPLIFF
Ahh. We give up. Don’t resist guys.

The girls stand with their hands on the desk, their back towards Johnny and spread their legs. Supreme puts his hands in the air.

Dame gets down on the floor and puts his hands on his head. Spliff puts his hands in the air.
HAYSTACK
(showing the card)
There was nobody at the door. We
found the golden card.

SPLIFF
Golden card?

HAYSTACK
Yeah we’re supposed to get a
record deal.

Spliff, Dame and Supreme look at each other.

SPLIFF
Son of a bitch. How’s that possible?
Oh sure, come on I’ll show you around.
This is my office.

He opens a door and enters. The others follow him.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO – DAY

Sound equipment and computers stand in front of a glass window. On the other side of the window are microphones. Lil Prim is singing in one of them.

SPLIFF
This is the studio.

He pushes a button. Lil Prim’s singing is audible.

LIL PRIM
Take that dough. Screw being a ho’.
Wanna end up used and abused?

Supreme enters the other room and stands behind a microphone moving his body.

SUPREME
Murda.

LIL PRIM
No way me. Hearing love has no color.
But my love is green.

SUPREME
Murda.

Spliff pushes a button.

SPLIFF
That sounds great, Lil Prim.

Lil Prim sticks up her thumb.

SPLIFF
This is where we lay the tracks.

JOHNNY
Whoa. This is something me and
the guys’ve been dreaming about
for years. Could we try it out?

SPLIFF
Well, I guess so.

Johnny and his friends high five.

HAYSTACK
Wahoo!

They enter the other room and look around. Johnny looks at Spliff through the window.

JOHNNY
Where are the instruments?

SPLIFF
What do you need?

JOHNNY
Drums.

Spliff pushes a button. There is the sound of a drumbeat.

HAYSTACK
Whoa.


JOHNNY
Guitar?

Spliff pushes another button. There is a guitar riff.

JOHNNY
Bass?

Spliff pushes another button.

SPLIFF
Now you have to sing. In the microphone.

HAYSTACK
What do we do?

JOHNNY
Just act like you’re playing
your instrument.

He sits down on the floor and acts like he plays drums. Woody acts like he’s playing bass.

LIL PRIM
This is pathetic.

JOHNNY
You can lie till you see blue, oh
woman I’m warning you, but there’s
things a man’s gotta do, tonight
I’m taking out the trash…

Spliff looks at Dame.

JOHNNY
…and honey that means you too.

SUPREME
Murda.

Johnny cowers, scared.

JOHNNY
Help.

Spliff closes his eyes. He slowly levitates. Then he falls back.

SPLIFF
They’re gangsta. Our record sales
will sky rocket.
(pushes a button)
My friends come inhere.

Johnny and his friends go to him. He leads them back into his office.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

SPLIFF
Sit down guys. Dame champagne.
Here have a cigar.

Dame pours everybody a glass of champagne as the guys sit down and light a cigar.

SPLIFF
(to the fly girls)
Girls, why don’t you sit on the
guy’s lap?

The girls hesitate, but sit on their laps. Lil Prim, in a short skirt sits down on the desk, facing the guys.

SPLIFF
We want you to be part of our Killer
family. I’m offering you a record deal.
What do you say?

JOHNNY
We are no rappers. We rockers.

SPLIFF
Oh but it’s almost the same.
How much money do you make?

JOHNNY
I got a McJob.

Spliff picks up a dictionary. He looks up the word. It says “McJob: If you earn this little, you shouldn’t feed your dog. Your dog should feed you.” He puts away the book.

SPLIFF
Guys don’t you want money?
(he puts a stack of
dollars on the desk)
Ice?
(he puts his
necklace on the desk)
Girls?

He points at Lil Prim. She gives them a sexy look.

SPLIFF
Don’t you wanna be living large like…

DAME
Vanilla Ice.

Spliff looks at him. Johnny and his friends stand behind each other, hands on each others shoulders and dance.

JOHNNY + HAYSTACK + WOODY
Ice, Ice Baby.

WOODY
All right stop.

Johnny sits down on a chair, puts sunglasses on his forehead, opens an umbrella puts it over his head and slowly moves it back like the opening ragtop of a car.

JOHNNY
Driving in my 5-0, so my hair
can blow, girls lined up,
all waxed in bikinis.

HAYSTACK + WOODY
Did you stop?

JOHNNY
No I just drove by.

He gets up.

JOHNNY
Yeah, that’s the life.

Spliff puts a contract on the desk. And offers Johnny a pen. Johnny signs. Haystack signs too. Woody hesitates, then puts down the pen.

WOODY
Guys did you forget why I came here?

JOHNNY
Oh come on.

WOODY
No, guys, I’m sorry, but I gotta
find my daddy.

Dame and the others look at Spliff. Spliff points at himself, confused.

DAME
Who’s your daddy?

WOODY
Trump.

SPLIFF
Trump?

JOHNNY
Woody, hasn’t it gotten through
to you yet? The South is full of
trailer parks filled with Trump’s
disgraced one night stands and
illegitimate offspring.

SPLIFF
That son of a gun. He buys real
estate in the south, builds a
trailer park and creates his
own tenants. Now that’s thinking.
You see Woody, he don’t love you,
he don’t care. Now sign here.
He offers Woody a pen.

WOODY
I might be from the South, but
I ain’t no dumb. I want daddy.

SPLIFF
Ok, if that’s the way you want it.
I’ll bring you closer to your maker.
Just follow me. Lil Prim, you take
care of Johnny and Haystack.

Spliff, Woody and Dame leave.

LIL PRIM
Oh you suckers.

She kisses the air seductively. Johnny and Haystack back away.

HAYSTACK
(whispering)
What will our friends say?

EXT. ROOF MUSIC STUDIO – DAY

A door opens. Spliff, Dame and Woody step on the roof. Woody looks around.

WOODY
Where’s my daddy?

Spliff points at a sky scraper.

SPLIFF
That’s the house your daddy built.

WOODY
By himself?

SPLIFF
I don’t know. Ask him. He’s standing
right there on the pavement.

Spliff moves Woody to the edge of the roof. Woody tries hard to look over the edge.
WOODY
I don’t see anything.

SPLIFF
Dame, help him.

Dame grabs Woody’s heels and dangles him over the side of the building. Spliff waves the contract and pen in the air.

SPLIFF
Are you gonna sign, or do you
wanna meet your maker?

WOODY
Whoa, I can touch the sky.

SPLIFF
Sign or you’re gonna touch the
pavement.

WOODY
Ok, Ok, whoa, I’ll sign, I’ll sign.

Dame drops Woody.

DAME
Sorry boss, my arthritis played up.

They run to the door. Woody falls to the ground, bounces up and lands on his feet. He walks onto the street and looks up.

WOODY
Hey, dumbass, you dropped me.
Luckily, because of dad, I had
a lot of practice dumpster diving.

A taxi hits him from the back. Woody goes over the car and lands on the tarmac. The driver, SILKH stops and looks out of the window.

SILKH
Hey cowboy, I’m driving here.

He drives away.

WOODY
Shannen Doherty.

He dies.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

Woody signs the contract as his friends and Spliff and his crew look on.

SPLIFF
Guys, now you’re officially part of
Killer Inc. Women, Ice, money will
all be yours.

His crew cheers.

SPLIFF
We just need a name for you. Something
that fits you like a glove.

DAME
Wiggers?

SPLIFF
No, it needs more class.

He sits in a yoga position and levitates after a few seconds.

SPLIFF
I got it. Food Stamps shall be
your name.

HAYSTACK
Food stamps? Why not the White Warriors?.

SPLIFF
No, Food Stamps has more class.

He puts a necklace around their necks. Johnny looks at his platinum and diamond necklace.

JOHNNY
Guys our dream’s come true. Wahoo.


JOHNNY + HAYSTACK + WOODY
The South will rise again. The South…

JOHNNY
Guys, guys…

They look around guiltily.

SPLIFF
All right. Let’s get to work.

HAYSTACK
(whispering)
How come he didn’t say anything?

SUPREME (O.S.)
Murda.

Woody puts his hands on his ears.

WOODY
There’s your answer.

Supreme enters the room. Behind him are three big men and a midget, YOUNG THUG.

The three men, white rapper BIG PRICK, a big black woman, acting like a man, DR. FLO and a black rapper, NICKEL have guns in their hands, basketball jerseys saying “Moth Records” and stockings over their heads.

NICKEL
What’s up ya’ll. Put your hands in
the air like you just don’t care.
Heey, hoo, heey, hoo.

Spliff and the others put their hands in the air and wave them from left to right in rhythm.

DR. FLO
Cut it out.

Everybody quiets down.

DR. FLO
Give us your jewelry.
(looking at the door)
Where is that guy?

A photographer, FLASH enters the office.

FLASH
Hi everybody. How you doing?

DAME
Well, my arthritis is hurting…

SPLIFF
Shut up.

FLASH
I’m here to take pictures of the
robbery for Scores magazine.
Can we begin with you, Nickel?

Nickel puts his stocking back, showing his face.

NICKEL
You weren’t supposed to reveal
our identity, dog.

Big Prick puts his stocking back, showing his face.

BIG PRICK
Put your stocking back on, you idiot.

YOUNG THUG
Don’t call my dad idiot, white boy.

DR. FLO
Will you shut up. We’re trying to
rob our hip hop enemies. Flash
get your camera ready. Hand over
your ice, now.

Spliff and his crew hand over their jewelry as Flash takes pictures.


FLASH
Wait this goes too fast. Spliff could
you stand next to Nickel.

Spliff does as he is told, grudgingly.

FLASH
Now hand over your necklace.

Spliff hands over his necklace as Nickel strikes a pose with his gun.

FLASH
Can you do it again? Now, also
shake hands.

They strike a pose as Flash takes the picture.

FLASH
Now the white boys. Hand over your
ice to, uh, Young Thug.

Young Thug strikes a pose with his gun as Johnny and his friends hand over their necklaces. Young Thug weighs them in his hand. He bites one.

YOUNG THUGS
You trying to screw me. This no ice,
this is metal. Empty your pockets.

DR. FLO
We got no time for that. Let’s go.

SPLIFF
Dr. Flo, Big Prick, Nickel, Young
Thug. I won’t forget this. I’ll
crush you and Moth Records.

DR. FLO
Still cocky huh? I’ll break ya.

Dr. Flo closes his eyes. He levitates after a two seconds.

SPLIFF
You’re using Yoga.
Dr. Flo falls back to the floor and opens his eyes.

DR. FLO
Touch my manboobs.

SPLIFF
You can’t do that. Fight fair.

DR. FLO
You get your camera ready and you
touch my manboob.

Dr. Flo moves his gun menacingly. Spliff puts his hand on his manboob with a disgusted look on his face. The photographer takes a picture.

NICKEL
When your fans see these pictures
you won’t be selling records no more.
You’ll be flipping burgers.

The robbers and the photographer leave. Spliff beats the table.

SPLIFF
We will retaliate. We no St. Louis…
(he turns around
and shakes his ass)
…shake your tail feather, bitchboys.
We gangsters. We thugs.

SUPREME
Murda.

SPLIFF
Exactly. We dangerous. We will burry
those moths.
(crying)
I touched a manboob.

He runs to the trashcan and vomits.

SPLIFF
Oh God we need to get back some street
credibility or we finished.

INT. RESTAURANT – DAY

SPACEY enters the restaurant. On the window it reads “SPACEY, Italian/Chinese Restaurant”. He walks to the bar. On his back is a sticker saying “www-triggerstreet-com”.

VOICE (O.S.)
What’s that sticker doing on
your back?

SPACEY
Hey, I had to somehow supplement the
little money you guys paid me.

VOICE (V.O.)
I don’t believe this. All right,
all right, just go on.

SPACEY
Do I have to start at the door?

VOICE (V.O.)
Just continue where you left off.

Spacey takes a few steps back, then walks to the bar. The BARMAN pours him a drink. Spacey puts his car keys on the bar.

SPACEY
I’ve had enough of that Mercedes.
Call the lease company and tell
them I want a Range Rover.

He walks to a table, sits down and opens a book titled “Advanced Yoga” and “Kabala and Madonna stink” and “Warning: do not use in open air”.

An old black man, RAY enters the restaurant with a gun in his hand and a guitar hanging on his back.

RAY
I sold 20 million records, I
toured for 30 years, I wrote
17 hit songs. Give me my money.


SPACEY
Oh Ray.

RAY
Because of you I became an alcoholic.
I lost my wife and children. Now I
broke my leg and I have to sell
everything I got left to pay the
hospital bills. Give me the money
you owe me or I’ll shoot you.

Spacey closes his eyes. He floats into the air. He falls back on his seat. He puts his hands in front of his eyes and cries.

SPACEY
Why do you hate me so much. You know
Ray, I heard you broke your leg. I
thought my friend Ray can’t walk, so
I bought you a brand new Mercedes. Have
you seen it on the drive way? Have you?

RAY
Is it for me?

Spacey nods, gets up and takes the keys from the bar.

SPACEY
Why do you treat me this way Ray,
why?

Ray breaks down and cries.

RAY
Oh, I’m so sorry. How could I ever’ve
doubted you? How can I thank you?

SPACEY
I’m just too emotional right now. Here.

He gives Ray the car keys.

SPACEY
Take the car and go. Farewell Ray.

RAY Thank you, my friend. Forgive me.

Ray walks out of the door. Spacey turns to the barman.

SPACEY
Call the lease company. Tell them their
Mercedes has disappeared. Tell them to
report it to the police.

Spliff enters the restaurant.

SPACEY
There’s my main man.

They embrace and sit down.

SPACEY
How’s business?

SPLIFF
We contracted a new group. They
are white rappers from the South.

SPACEY
Smart move.

SPLIFF
We have some problems with Moth Records.
They attacked us. We gotta retaliate.

SPACEY
Do whatever you gotta do to win,
unless you want to go back to
the projects.

SPLIFF
Never, I’ll squash the Moth Records
crew like cockroaches.

SPACEY
I’m behind you all the way.

They get up and embrace. Spliff leaves. A DELIVERYMAN enters with a bag of cement.

DELIVERYMAN
I got 13 bags of cement.

SPACEY
Put them in the basement.

The man leaves. DR. Flo enters.

SPACEY
There’s my main man.

They embrace.

SPACEY
How’s business?

DR. FLO
Great, we sold many records after Scores
published the pictures of our assault on
Killer Inc.

SPACEY
I told you it was a good idea. Remember I
got your back.

They embrace. Dr. Flo walks to the door, running into the delivery man struggling to carry in another bag of cement.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO – DAY

Johnny and his friends stand behind microphones. Spliff enters the room.

SPLIFF
Hi guys.

JOHNNY
Hi, I thought you were taking
some time off to relax.

SPLIFF
I did. I spent quite a few happy
hours in Paris Hilton.

WOODY
I’ve never been in Paris.

SPLIFF
Don’t worry. I’ll show you the video.

Spliff takes Johnny’s baseball cap and puts it on his head sideways.

SPLIFF
That’s how you should wear a cap.

JOHNNY
What are you doing? It’s my
eyes that need shade, not my ear.

SPLIFF
That’s hip hop. I know it doesn’t
make sense.

HAYSTACK
Can Fred Durst rap on our album?

SPLIFF
Nah, he’s a musical midget. I
got a surprise for you. Snoop.

SNOOP DOG enters the room.

JOHNNY
Whoa, great.

They high five.

WOODY
Is he gonna burst on our song?

SPLIFF
Yeah, let’s lay the track right now.

Spliff goes behind the glass window and sits down behind the sound equipment. Music comes out of the speaker box.



JOHNNY
The South is a lion, you woke
us up, 150 years you treated
the land as your victor’s loot.

Supreme enters the room.

SUPREME
Murda.

JOHNNY
Look at my neck, you’ll see
the imprint of the Yankee boot.

SNOOP
Tsizzle, fizzle, this it the
big wizzle.

Spliff stops the music.

SPLIFF
Snoop, sounds great, but don’t
you have something new?

SNOOP
Alright, check this out.

The music returns.

SNOOP
For reals, pizzle, Dixie makes
me sizzle, fizzle. Damn.

He sighs and shakes his head.

SNOOP
I have no talent whatsoever, do I?

Spliff puts his hand in front of his eyes and shakes his head.

EXT. STREET – DAY

Nickel hails a taxi. A taxi, with Silkh inside, stops.


NICKEL
Damn, this is the first time.

He gets in. The taxi drives away.

INT. TAXI – DAY

Silkh looks in the mirror. Nickel looks at the image. Silkh winks. He giggles shyly. Suddenly he stops the car and turns around.

SILKH
I’m in love with you.

NICKEL
What the hell?

He tries to open the door. It doesn’t budge. He raises both legs and kicks it with his feet. The door opens. Nickel gets out and runs away.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

Dame is on the phone. Spliff writes on a piece of paper.

DAME
David Hasselhoff wants us to
produce his new gangsta rap album.

SPLIFF
What? That guy’s old and washed up.

DAME
(in phone)
You’re old and washed up. You
haven’t had a hit in years.
(to Spliff)
He says he’s big in Germany.

SPLIFF
What do I always tell you to
do with phone calls like that?

DAME
Put down the horn.
He puts the horn on the phone. He picks it up again and listens.

DAME
Hello? Mr. Hasselhoff? He hung up.

He hangs up the phone.

SPLIFF
Did you hire one of our associates
from the hood to liquidate Nickel?

DAME
I couldn’t. They’re all in jail. I
hired somebody else. A real professional.

SPLIFF
Charles Bronson?

DAME
No, Carlton Heston from the
Rifle Association.

SPLIFF
Doesn’t he have Alzheimer?

DAME
No, that’s Reagan.

SPLIFF
Could be. I forgot.

INT. MUSIC HALL – DAY

Big Prick, Dr. Flo, Nickel and Young Thug, the last two wearing bulletproof vests on top of their clothes perform on stage. Black and white KIDS in the audience dance and shout.

NICKEL
Throw your arms in the air. Move
‘em like you just don’t care.

The audience raises their arms and waves them from left to right. An old man, CARLTON, carrying a rifle walks through the crowd to the stage. He looks around, stunned.
CARLTON
Have I just landed on the
planet of the apes again?

He reaches the podium.

CARLTON
Who was I supposed to kill again?
Was it that white baboons?
(looking at Young Thug)
Was it the little chimp? I need
my pills.

He takes a box of pills out of his pocket.

CARLTON
Are these my pills or do they
belong to that nice girl I
bumped into in the elevator?

The box reads “Slim even Faster” and “side effect: gas”.

CARLTON
I can’t see a damn thing.

He pops a pill.

CARLTON
No, I was supposed to kill that
big guy.

He aims at Nickel. The revelers around him see the rifle and shout. The people on stage see the rifle too.

Nickel picks up Young Thug and puts him in front of his body, just as Carlton shoots. Young Thug is hit. Nickel laughs.

NICKEL
You missed grandpa. Try again.

Carlton aims. Nickel puts Young Thug in front of him, just as Carlton shoots again. Young Thug is hit again. Nickel laughs and dances onstage.


NICKEL
You missed fool. This is no
assault, this is an insult.

The revelers jump on Carlton. He goes down. Nickel looks at Young Thug lying on the floor.

YOUNG THUG
Dad, I’m hit.

NICKEL
Oh, son, no.

YOUNG THUG
Dad, I’m dying.

NICKEL
Oh my little boy, I had such big plans
for you. Hey wait a minute. You’re wearing
a bulletproof vest.

He picks Young Thug up.

NICKEL
What are you lying around for?
Go help.

He throws Young Thug on top of the pile of revelers on top of Carlton.

REVELER 1
Bomb. Bomb.

The revelers get up and stand aside. There is an explosion. Greenish, brownish muck is thrown all over the revelers. Young Thug is blown into his father’s arms.

NICKEL
What’s this stinking stuff?

YOUNG THUG
His diaper exploded.

NICKEL
Yuck.

He throws Young Thug on the ground.

DR. FLO
We gotta get out of here.

They all run off stage. Carlton staggers away, hiding his naked butt with his hands and the rifle.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY

A van stops. Johnny, Haystack and Woody get out of the van. Spliff and Dame walk up to them.

SPLIFF
Good news guys, your album came
in at number 10.

JOHNNY + WOODY + HAYSTACK
Wahoo.

JOHNNY + WOODY + HAYSTACK
The South will…right.

DAME
So what kind of girls should
I bring to your room after
the concert.

JOHNNY
What do you mean?

DAME
Well the audience is filled
with girls and they all wanna
get laid by the best selling
Food Stamps.

HAYSTACK
They do? Wahoo.

WOODY
We like them big and busty.


HAYSTACK
No, you like them big. I only like
them busty.

JOHNNY
I like them small. I mean the boobs.

SPLIFF
Come on guys, let’s go inside.

They walk away.

INT. HOTEL, LOBBY – NIGHT

Spliff, Johnny and Woody walk into the lobby.

JOHNNY
I hope Haystack gets here with
the girls fast.

JENNIFER LOPEZ and BEN AFFLECK, wearing identical shiny green and purple colored track suits, pass them and leave the hotel.

HAYSTACK
Was that Bennifer?

SPLIFF
That’s just pathetic. When she was
with me, we went to champagne parties
wearing Armani. White boy takes her
to Central Park wearing a track suit.

In front of them CHRISTINA AGUILERA, wearing red panties and a leather jacket passes a black rapper standing at the front desk.

The rapper has “CHINGY” written on his shirt. He points at her ass.

CHINGY
I like it what you’re doing
right thurr.

He laughs. Christina looks back in anger, walks up to him and slaps him. Chingy cowers, holding out his arms to protect himself as she continues scratching his face and slapping him with both open hands all over his body.

Spliff and the others cheer her. She turns to them, puts her arms in the air, as a sign of victory and laughs. She turns back and continues slapping him.

Chingy falls on the ground and crawls away. She kicks the air and leaves.

SPLIFF
Guys gotta split. See ya tomorrow.

He walks away. Woody and Johnny get into the lift. KID ROCK, carrying flowers enters the lift. TOMMY LEE, also carrying flowers enters the lift too. The doors close.

TOMMY
You stay away from Pamela.

KID
No, you stay away. She don’t
want you no more, you wife beater.

The doors open. Kid pushes Tommy aside and runs. Tommy runs after him and tackles him. They beat each other with the flowers. The doors close.

JOHNNY
Why are they fighting over
that bitch? She has Hepatitis C.

WOODY
You’re wrong. Her titties are
double D.

INT. HOTEL, HALLWAY – NIGHT

Johnny and Woody walk out of the lift and walk through the hall. Johnny makes a few dance moves.

JOHNNY
We’re getting laid, laid, laid.

CHARLES BRONSON, carrying a shotgun, appears in the hall, kicks in a door and shoots twice. He runs passed them.

Johnny and Woody turn around. They see a CLERGYMAN dressed in black holding a Bible.

CLERGYMAN
Hi, I’m a Jehovah. Are you a Witness?

JOHNNY
Hey I ain’t seen nothing, man.

They walk away.

INT. HOTEL, ROOM – NIGHT

They enter the room. Johnny turns on the television. The door opens and Haystack walks in with two girls, BARBY and JENNY both carrying bottles of liquor. Haystack puts his arms around their shoulders.

HAYSTACK
Look who I found trying to by
liquor with a fake ID.

WOODY
Aren’t they the president’s daughters?

BARBY
So what? We’re here get drunk and
get high. Wahoo.

The girls jump on the bed and sit down on the edge. They drink from the bottles and pass it around to the guys.

JENNY
What are you watching?

BARBY
Oh it’s Eddie Murphy. He sucks man.
Ever since he was caught with that
transvestite in Hollywood.

JENNY
I want music, put on MTV.

Woody changes the channel. There is music. He sips from a bottle and dances. Haystack finishes rolling a joint and lights it up. He inhales, puts his mouth on Jenny and blows the smoke in her mouth.

JOHNNY
Don’t Bogie the joint man.

Haystack gives him the joint. Johnny inhales and turns to put his lips on Barby’s mouth. She moves away.

BARBY
Hey don’t touch me.

Johnny chokes on the smoke.

JOHNNY
What’s the matter?

BARBY
Well I don’t you.

Barby gets up, grabs Woody’s bottle, takes a sip and dances with him. Johnny looks at Haystack. He’s kissing the other Babe. Johnny looks at the joint in his hand, gets up and walks to the door.

HAYSTACK
Hey, give me back my joint.

Johnny hands him the joint and walks out the door as the others continue partying.

INT. BAR – NIGHT

Johnny drinks at the bar. NICK and a blond woman, JESSICA eat at a table a few yards away from him. She puts her fork in a large piece of meat.

JESSICA
On the menu it said Seabiscuit.
This is horsemeat.


NICK
Jess, Seabiscuit is the name of the dish.
It’s like Fruit of the Loom. That’s not
a T-shirt made of fruit. Although fruits
in San Francisco do wear T-shirts.

JESSICA
Ha, ha, fruits wearing T-shirts.
That’s funny.

Johnny empties his glass and staggers away.

INT. HOTEL, HALL – NIGHT

Johnny staggers to a door and opens it. He goes inside and takes his pants off. SCHWARZENEGGER and FRAN DRESCHER are in the bed.

SCHWARZENEGGER
(patting his belly)
I’m totally full.

Johnny looks surprised. He quickly stands against the wall.

FRAN
Oh, no. I’m hungry. What did
you eat?

SCHWARZENEGGER
I ate Wiener schnitzel und schlag.

FRAN
You ate schlag? You’re so mean. Why
didn’t you bring me anything?

SCHWARZENEGGER
You’re a woman, why don’t you cook.
Then you would be full too.

Johnny walks to the bathroom door.

FRAN
Aah, I can’t cook. You don’t love
me, huh, huh, huh.

SCHWARZENEGGER
I do love you my nightingale. I
have pain in my belly. I have to
go to the toilet.

He clumsily tries to get out of bed. Johnny’s eyes widen in fear. He gets into the bathroom fast.

INT. HOTEL, BATHROOM – NIGHT

Johnny looks around and sees a large open window.

SCHWARZENEGGER (O.S.)
I’ll be back. I’m going to give
you booty call.

Johnny climbs out of the window.

EXT. HOTEL, LEDGE – NIGHT

Johnny stands on a ledge and looks to the side. CLINTON, only dressed in a long sleeved shirt, barely covering his private parts and socks stands next to him on the ledge.

JOHNNY
Mr. Clinton?

CLINTON
Hi. Got caught too?

SPIDERMAN swooshes by, going to the ground and hanging by a spider web rope. A pretty WOMAN, with a smile on her face, standing on the pavement is looking up.

Spiderman falls all the way down until his face hangs just a little bit above her face. She sighs and smiles at the Spider mask just above her.

CLINTON
What’s this rope?

He pulls it. Spiderman, falls a bit and his head hits the girl’s head hard.


WOMAN
Ah, you idiot.

She kicks him in his crotch. Spider man grabs his crotch as he flies way back up passed Johnny and Clinton. The web rope breaks and Spiderman falls down.

He throws a spider web rope out of his wrist, which catches Clinton by the genitals under his shirt. This stops Spiderman’s fall.

CLINTON
Ah.

He grabs the rope as he’s almost pulled over the edge. Johnny holds him back.

CLINTON
Cut it. Cut it.

Johnny feels his pockets.

JOHNNY
I don’t have a knife.

CLINTON
Use your teeth. Oh sweet mercy.

Johnny gets on his knees on the ledge, and moves his head to Clinton’s waist.

CLINTON
Ouch, you bitch. I meant the rope.

Johnny wipes his mouth and tongue in disgust. Johnny bites the rope. They hear something hitting the ground. Clinton has his hands between his legs.


CLINTON
Oh boy, oh boy. Let’s get out of here.

They move away on the ledge.


EXT. STREET – DAY

A truck stops in front of a building.

INT. TRUCK – DAY

Haystack is behind the wheel. Next to him are Woody and Johnny. They look at a map.

VOICE ON RADIO
This is a police community alert.
There’s a serial rapist on the loose.
He’s dangerous. He looks like the
pop turned R&B singer Justin Timberlake.
End of announcement.

Haystack turns off the radio.

JOHNNY
Are you sure we have to perform
here?

WOODY
Hey this is the address Dame
gave me. He took care of everything.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO, OFFICE – DAY

Dame is sitting at his desk. He blows bubbles in a glass of soda through a straw. He takes the straw out of his mouth and laughs.

INT. TRUCK – DAY

JOHNNY
That guy’s nuts.

They get out of the Truck and walk into the building.

INT. BUILDING – DAY

A black man, MOROCCAN wearing a dark suit and a bowtie is on the podium talking. The AUDIENCE is filled with black people, dressed in black and wearing bowties.

MOROCCAN
Everywhere where the black man lives with
the white man, the black man is oppressed,
exploited and subjugated. We gotta stand
up and free ourselves from these white
devils.

Moroccan wipes his mouth with a big white handkerchief. The audience applauds all at once and stops applauding all at once.

MOROCCAN
Now they’ve seduced our youth with
their destructive lifestyle. Wonderful
exceptions are my good friends at Killer
Inc. Some of their rappers are here to
entertain you today.

The light goes out. Light bulbs form the letter X over the podium. The audience applauds all at once and stops applauding all at once.

Music comes out of the speaker boxes. A spotlight lights up Johnny on the podium. The X becomes a Confederate Flag.

JOHNNY
The South will rise again. Holler…

The lights go on. Woody and Haystack are now visible. So is the audience. The three of them look at the each other.

JOHNNY
On three, two, run.

They run off stage.

EXT. BUSSTOP – DAY

Nickel sits on a bench at the bus stop. A group of four small YOUNG MEN walk up to him. Their t-shirts read “Hobbit crew”.

One of them puts his ghetto blaster on the ground and pushes play. Three break dance. One sings.

YOUNG MAN
Ta, ta, tay ta tay.

NICKEL
Guys stop. You’re not ready yet.

They pick up the ghetto blaster and walk away. One of them stops after a few yards, turns around, licks his lips and makes a lewd movement with his hips. Nickel looks at him, astonished. The young man walks away.

When Nickel turns his head he sees Silkh with a guitar in his hands. He giggles shyly and starts playing the guitar. He line dances.

SILKH
Don’t break my heart, my ackey,
breaky heart, cause I’m so in
love with you. And if you break
my heart, my achey, breakey
heart. It might blow up and
kill this man. Whoa.

Nickel tries not to laugh, but he laughs. Silkh sits down next to him.

NICKEL
You were serenading me, huh?

They look into each others eyes for a moment. Suddenly Nickel gets up.

NICKEL
What the hell am I doing?

He runs away. Silkh gets up, takes his guitar and plays.

SIKH
Oh Ruby, don’t take your
love to town.

INT. HALLWAY – NIGHT

Johnny, Woody and Haystack walk through a hall. They are sweating. They have towels around their shoulders.


WOODY
I’m so damn tired. I didn’t
know singing was such hard work.

Two GIRLS run to them, shouting.

GIRL 1
Can I have an autograph?

JOHNNY
Sure.

GIRL 1
Not you, him.

She gives her pen to Woody.

JOHNNY
Why him? He has a girlfriend.

WOODY
Hey, you got a boo too. Weren’t you
and Michelle planning to get married?

The girl pulls her shirt all the way up revealing her boobs.

GIRL 1
Can you put it on my boob.

Woody swallows.

WOODY
I think so.

GIRL 2
Me too.

She gives her pen to Haystack and pulls her shirt up, revealing her boobs. The two autograph the girls’ boobs.

WOODY
Wanna see our dressing room?

GIRL 1
Yeah sure.

The two of them put their arms around the girls and walk away.

WOODY
See ya later, Johnny boy.

Johnny raises his arms in despair. A fat WOMAN carrying a CHILD and pushing a pram comes up behind Johnny.

WOMAN
Can I have an autograph?

Johnny’s face lights up.

JOHNNY
Sure baby.

He turns around. His smile disappears.

WOMAN
Let me get you a pen.

She puts the child in his arms. Johnny looks at him and sees the child’s pants are wet. He grabs the child by the suspenders and holds him away from himself.

The woman finds a pen and pulls her shirt down by the collar. Johnny’s eyes widen. She puts her hand in her shirt and takes out a giant bra.

She takes the child. Johnny autographs the bra. He gives her back the pen and bra. She walks away.

Johnny staggers away. There is a big noise from around the corner. Johnny walks around the corner and sees a row of black CREWMEMBERS in front of him. He queues up.

JOHNNY
What’s up?

CREWMEMBER
Oh hey Johnny, Lil Prim’s giving
all the crewmembers a blowjob.


JOHNNY
You can’t be serious.

A man in front of the line, walks out of the line, buttons his pants and walks away, smiling.

JOHNNY
You are serious.

CREWMEMBER
She does it all the time. She’s
done seven guys already.

Another man walks out of the line, buttons his pants and walks away, smiling.

JOHNNY
Oh man, this is exciting.

CREWMEMBER
I didn’t know you digged black women.

JOHNNY
Hey, I’ve been dry since I crossed
the Dixie line. That’s months ago.

Another man walks out of the line, buttons his pants and walks away, smiling.

LIL PRIM
Your turn, big boy.

The crewmember smiles at Johnny as he lowers his pants and walks to Lil Prim, who’s on her knees. She puts his arms around his waist and moves her head to his body. Johnny looks with wide eyes and bops his head.

CREWMEMBER
Wahoo.

He pulls up his pants and stands aside. Johnny walks to Lil Prim. He lowers his pants.

LIL PRIM
White boy?

She looks up to Johnny, who is nodding excitedly.

LIL PRIM
Ok.

CREWMEMBER
Play that funky music white boy.

She grabs his waist. Suddenly she grabs her throat. She chokes. She falls on the ground on her back. Her arms and legs shake violently in the air. Foam comes out of her mouth. Then she passes out.

CREWMEMBER
You gotta do something. Give
her mouth to mouth.

Johnny looks at the foam around her mouth.

JOHNNY
Why don’t you do it?

CREWMEMBER
I got asthma.

He taps his chest and takes an inhaler out of his pocket. He inhales.

JOHNNY
Let’s call 911.

CREWMEMBER
No, that’ll be too late. You
gotta save her.

Johnny kneels next to Lil Prim’s head with a nauseous look on his face. He gasps for air.

CREWMEMBER
Please don’t let her die.

Johnny takes a deep breath and puts his mouth on her mouth. He does it again. Lil Prim coughs up foam on his face. She regains consciousness. Johnny faints.

CREWMEMBER
Johnny?

INT. HOTEL, HALLWAY – NIGHT

Woody throws a football through the hall. Johnny, with a terrible rash around his mouth runs after the ball, catches it and throws it back. Woody catches the ball. He pants.

JOHNNY
Come on man, the doctor said I need to
sweat out these diseases.

WOODY
Do you have herpes or something?

JOHNNY
I wish that was all I had.

AVRIL LAVIGNE, wearing skater clothes and a tie enters the hall behind Johnny on a skateboard. She stunts with the skateboard and raises her arms in victory. Her T-shirt reads “sk8er boi”.

Woody throws the football. Johnny runs after it, his eyes looking at the ball. He crashes against her, sending her flying against the wall.

JOHNNY
You idiot.

He touches his face and mouth and looks in a mirror on the wall.

JOHNNY
Hey I lost my herpes.

Avril gets up and studies her naked elbows and knees. She catches herself in the mirror. She has a terrible rash around her mouth. Johnny laughs at her. Avril cowers on the ground and cries.

AVRIL
I am beautiful, no matter what you
say. Herpes won’t bring me down.
WOODY
(to Johnny)
Cut it out.

He offers Avril a bag.

WOODY
Would you like some candy, little girl?

Avril takes some candy out of the bag.

WOODY
Where does it hurt, sweetie?

She pouts and points at her knee. Woody touches her knee.

JOHNNY
Hey I’m not gonna be arrested. I’m
out of here.

He walks away. The doors of the elevator open and Haystack exits with two twins. One of them has a T-shirt saying “ASHLEY”. One has a T-shirt saying “MARY-KATE”.

JOHNNY
Hey where you going?

MARY-KATE
He’s coming with us to our room,
right big boy?

Haystack laughs.

ASHLEY
We’re gonna partaaay.

They put their arms around Haystack and bite his ears.

JOHNNY
All right, let’s go.

He smiles and puts his arm around Ashley. She pushes his arm away.


ASHLEY
You’re not invited, amigo.

JOHNNY
This is unbelievable. Hey look
at him. He is fat and ugly.
Look at me.

MARY-KATE
I really resent your remarks.

ASHLEY
Don’t you just hate people, who
discriminate against fat people?

MARY-KATE
It just ain’t cool. Come on sugar
daddy, let’s go.

Haystack grins from ear to ear as he enters a room with the girls. Mary-Kate hangs a “If you hear the bed rocking, don’t come knocking” sign on the doorknob. Johnny bangs on the door.

JOHNNY
Let me in. Let me in.

Johnny falls down on his knees and cries.

INT. HOTEL, ROOM – NIGHT

Mary-Kate turns on the music.

HAYSTACK
Got booze?

ASHLEY
Look in the minibar.

Haystack opens the minibar. It’s filled.

HAYSTACK
Wahoo.

He takes a bottle, opens it and pours it down his mouth.

MARY-KATE
Haystack, lookie here.

Haystack turns around. The twins are only wearing underwear.

HAYSTACK
Wahoo.

The twins get onto the bed and jump up and down.

MARY-KATE
Now you.

HAYSTACK
Wahoo.

He throws the bottle away, strips to his shorts and takes a few jumps to the bed. He stops next to the bed and grabs his belly.

HAYSTACK
Sorry girls, I need to go to
the toilet.

He goes into the bathroom. The girls stop jumping and roll their eyes.

INT. HOTEL, HALL – NIGHT

Johnny raises his head.

JOHNNY
The South will rise again.

He gets up and turns off the lights in the hall. He walks to a payphone and puts in a coin.

JOHNNY
(changing voice)
Hello, I’m doctor Phill. Can you
put me through to Haystack’s room, please?

INT. HOTEL, BATHROOM – NIGHT

Haystack looks in the mirror. He combs his chest hair, puts perfume on himself and makes a few faces in the mirror.
HAYSTACK
You’re a Southern sexmachine.

There’s a knock on the door.

ASHLEY (O.S.)
Haystack, phone for you.

Haystack opens the door a little and takes the horn.

HAYSTACK
Hello… Hi doctor Phill.

His smile disappears.

HAYSTACK
I got what?… Ebola virus in my
testicles?… Can’t use them for
a month or they’ll fall off?

He cries.

HAYSTACK
No doctor, no.

He throws the horn on the floor and runs out of the bathroom.

INT. HOTEL, ROOM – NIGHT

The twins are lying on the bed.

MARY-KATE
Come here, you big teddy bear.

Haystack stops, looks at them, cries and runs to the door.

INT. HOTEL, HALL – NIGHT

Johnny is cowering next to the door. Haystack opens the door and runs down the hall crying.

ASHLEY (O.S.)
Stupid boy.


MARY-KATE (O.S.)
Let’s go to sleep sister.

The door closes. The light under the door disappears. Johnny tries the door handle. The door opens a bit till the security chain stops it. He looks inside. The girls are in bed, asleep. Johnny grins.

INT. HOTEL, ROOM – NIGHT

In front of the bed is a carpet. A SNAKE crawls under the carpet from the door to the bed. A bathrobe hangs on the bed end, touching the carpet.

The Snake crawls under the bathrobe and under the bedspread covering the twins. It moves over Ashley’s body.

Ashley sleeps uneasy. Suddenly she opens her eyes. The Snake stops moving. She closes her eyes. The snake moves again.

When the Snake reaches the girl’s chest it raises its head in surprise and whistles. Suddenly the girl opens her eyes and grabs the Snake. Johnny’s eyes widen.

ASHLEY
Help, Marie Kate.

MARY-KATE
What is it?

Ashley gets on her knees.

ASHLEY
Something’s creeping up on me.
Help me.

MARY-KATE
I’m coming.

Mary-Kate gets on her knees too and grabs the Snake under the bedspread. Johnny shouts out in pain as he is pulled against the door. He puts his hands on the doorpost and pushes himself away.


MARY-KATE
It’s getting away.

They stand up on the bed.

ASHLEY
Pull, Marie Kate, pull.

MARY-KATE
Pull.

As they pull, Johnny crashes through the door and falls on the floor, crying out loud.

MARY-KATE
Pull.

With pain showing on his face Johnny is pulled to the middle of the room.

ASHLEY
It’s getting slippery.

JOHNNY
No, no, I can’t hold him back.

A large flush of filthy liquid pours out of the Snake on the girls.

MARY-KATE + ASHLEY
Ugh.

Johnny cries. An albino Boa Constrictor crawls out under the bedspread. The twins grab each other in fear.

MARY-KATE + ASHLEY
Ah.

MARY-KATE
A snake.

The Snake crawls to Johnny.

JOHNNY
I know, I know. I feel your pain.

MARY-KATE
Hey, you get out of our room.

ASHLEY
It’s a 3000 dollar a night suite.
Get out.

JOHNNY
Oh boy, I’m never doing this again.

He crawls out of the room in pain.

INT. HOTEL, HALL – NIGHT

Johnny crawls passed an aquarium. In it is a red and white FISH. He’s crying.

FISH
Please Sir, can you help me
find my dad?

JOHNNY
This ain’t a good time, kid.

FISH
Please Sir. I want my dad.

JOHNNY
Shut up.

FISH
I want my daddy, daddy, daddy.

JOHNNY
OK, OK.

He gets up painfully, grabs the fish out of the aquarium by the tail and slams its head against a corner of the aquarium.

FISH
No, no.

JOHNNY
I said shut up.

Behind him PAMELA ANDERSON walks and French kisses with both Kid Rock and Tommy Lee.

When the fish doesn’t move anymore, Johnny throws him over his head. It lands in Pamela’s cleavage. The three of them enter a room as Johnny limps away.

KID (O.S.)
Damn woman, what’s that stinking?
You got a dead beaver under that
dress?

The door opens and Kid Rock and Tommy Lee come running out holding their noses.

INT. MUSIC STUDIO – NIGHT

Spliff, Dame, Supreme and Johnny listen to a song on the radio.

NICKEL (V.O.)
So Killer Inc pull down your skirt,
spread your legs and bend down. You
wanksta fake gangstas, you a bigger
joke than Pee Wee Herman.

Spliff turns off the radio.

SPLIFF
Radio’s been spinning this Nickel
diss for days. Our fans are mocking
us. Our record sales have gone down
faster than a girl from Cincinatti.

Spliff looks around.

SPLIFF
This is war. We no kidding no more.
Yo gangstas, you with me?

DAME
We with you.

Spliff looks at Johnny.

SPLIFF
You a bitch or you a gangsta?

JOHNNY
Me a gangsta.

SPLIFF
All right.

He walks to the closet, opens it and takes out guns, which he gives to Supreme and Dame and an Uzi, which he gives to Johnny.

SPLIFF
Let’s roll.

They walk out of the door.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Nickel walks in the middle of an empty street. He looks around suspiciously. There is a sound. Nickel looks back. Nothing. He looks forward.

In front of him is Silkh, snapping his fingers. There is Indian music. Female Indian dancers appear. Silkh starts singing in Indian and dancing. Suddenly he makes a lewd movement with his hips.

SILKH
Djagger, djagger, djagger.

Nickel walks passed him and the dancers. Silkh follows him singing and dancing. Nickel opens the back door of a car and gets in.

Silkh walks to the back door on the other side and tries to open it. It’s locked. Silkh knocks on the window and points at the little knob indicating the door is locked.

Nickel rolls his eyes and pulls the little knob. Silkh opens the door. He makes a lewd movement with his hips.

SILKH
Djagger, djagger, djagger.

He kneels down on the back seat and moves his face all the way to Nickel’s face. Nickel cowers against the door. Silkh moves his index finger over Nickel’s cheek and kisses it.

Nickel opens the door and gets out. Silkh follows him. Nickel runs to the middle of the street and stops as the dancers start dancing in a circle around him. Silkh enters the circle and makes a lewd movement with his hips.

SILKH
Djagger, djagger, djagger.

The dancers throw glitters in the air. They fall on Nickel. He looks up, raises his arms and closes his eyes.

NICKEL
I give up. I give up.

He laughs, lowers his arms and opens his eyes. Everybody’s gone except for a panting Silkh.

NICKEL
I give up.

Silkh looks at him. Nickel smiles, opens his mouth and flickers his tongue. He walks to Silkh, grabs his belt and gets on his knees. He unbuttons Silkh’s pants.

Next to the full moon appear Mother Theresa and the Pope. Mother Theresa smiles and raises her arms. The Pope makes a cross and nods satisfied. Mother Theresa looks to the side.

MOTHER THERESA
Watch out, Mel Gibson.

MEL GIBSON appears next to them, grabs the Pope’s shoulders as he tries to run away, puts his knee in his back and pulls the shoulders. The Pope straightens up, wiggles his body and turns to Mel.

POPE
Thank you my son.

Mel punches him in the face.

MEL
You’re not the Pope, you imposter.

He shakes the pope. Mother Theresa puts a knuckle duster on her fingers and hits Mel on the head. He lets the Pope go. The Pope and Mother Theresa run away. Mel runs after them.

MEL
Bring back Latin Mass.

NICKEL
Ah, you shot me in the mouth.

He gets up, holding his jaw. He puts a finger in his mouth and takes out a tooth.

NICKEL
Why did you shoot in my mouth?

SILKH
I couldn’t hold back no more.
I’ve been after you for so long.

He shakes his head.

SILKH
No, it would never work.
We’re so different.

He turns around and walks away. Nickel grabs the end of his long hair. After a few feet Silkh is pulled back. He falls on his back on the ground. He gets up and looks at Nickel.

SILKH
Let me go.

NICKEL
No, never.

They run to each other. Silkh grabs Nickel and raises him high in the air. They look at each other. Silkh lowers Nickel slowly. They kiss, then embrace.

NICKEL
I will never let you go.

SILKH
What will Junior Thug say?

NICKEL
My son just wants to see his
daddy happy.

INT. ROOM – NIGHT

Young Thug looks with wide open eyes and open mouth.

YOUNG THUG
Yeah right, you big poof. If
you weren’t so filthy rich,
why I’d…

He raises his hand.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

NICKEL
Come on. Let’s get your stuff.
You’re moving in with me.

They take each others hand and walk away.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

Nickel is sitting in a car in front of a building. Dame stops his car next to Nickel’s car. Spliff sits next to him. Supreme and Johnny are in the back. They get out of the car, weapons ready and walk to Nickel. He’s surprised.

SPLIFF
So there you are, huh? Who’s
the bitch now? Johnny, shoot him.

Johnny points his Uzi and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. He pulls the trigger again. Nothing. He looks into the barrel of the Uzi and pulls the trigger a few times. Nothing.

SPLIFF
Johnny, shoot him.

Johnny aims the Uzi and pulls the trigger.

JOHNNY
Bam, Bam, Bam.

Spliff looks at him, grabs the Uzi, loads it through and gives it back. Johnny pulls the trigger. The force of the Uzi makes it swing wildly, spraying bullets everywhere, except on the target.

Spliff, Supreme and Dame fall to the ground. The shooting stops. Supreme gets up and points his two guns at Nickel. He shoots holding one gun sideways and the other one upside down.

SUPREME
Murda.

He stops shooting and makes a few dance moves.

SUPREME
Murda.

He continues shooting till the guns are empty.

SPLIFF
All right. See whether he’s dead.

Dame opens the door. Nickel falls out of the car.

SPLIFF
He’s dead. Put him in the trunk.

They grab him and put him in the trunk of their car. They get in and drive away fast.

EXT. STREET – NIGHT

The car stops at a traffic light at a crossing. Dame gives Spliff a cigar and lights it.

SPLIFF
I love it when a plan comes
together.

A police car with VINNIE and PETE inside, stops next to them.

SPLIFF
Oh God, no.

Vinnie looks at them.

SUPREME
Murda.

SPLIFF
Shut up.

He smiles and waves at the cops. The cops get out of their car and walk up to them.

VINNIE
Something wrong?

SPLIFF
Nothing wrong, officer.

SUPREME
Oh murda.

The cops pull their guns.

VINNIE
Get out of the car. Now.

SPLIFF
Officer, he’s just kidding.

VINNIE
Get out, now.

Spliff, Dame and Johnny get out of the car.

VINNIE
Put your hands on the car.

They put their hands on the car. Pete opens the back door.

PETE
Come out son. You’re safe now.

Supreme gets out of the car. The cop opens the back door of the police car. Supreme gets in.

PETE
What happened son?

SUPREME
Murda.

PETE
Where son?

SUPREME
Oh murda.

VINNIE
The poor guy’s completely traumatized.

PETE
Who son?

SUPREME
Murda.

PETE
Where?

SUPREME
Murda.

PETE
You’re beginning to irritate me, son.

SPLIFF
Officer, we were taking our friend
to the hospital. He needs his
medication.


SUPREME
Murda.

PETE
Get out of my car.

Supreme exits the police car.

PETE
Next time I’m booking you for making
a false statement to a police officer.
All of you get out of here.

Spliff and his friends get into the car and drive away.

SPLIFF
Damn it Supreme. You can’t take him
anywhere.

DAME
In which harbor do we dump him?

SPLIFF
First go to Spacey’s restaurant.
We need some cement.

INT. BRIEFING ROOM, WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

President BLUSH, wearing a bomber jacket walks to a desk, with the presidential seal and microphones on it.

He walks fast, with his arms swinging a bit away from his body, like a bodybuilder. When he reaches the microphones he turns around and walks away. At the far end he turns again and walks back to the microphones.

BLUSH
Good evening. My administration
will do something about gangsta rap
inspired violence in the hoods. I
don’t care about the victims, since
they never vote republican anyway,
but I’m very upset about the financial
crimes that seem to go hand in hand
with hippity hip hop and you don’t stop.
Mix tapes are sold without paying taxes
or royalties. This must end. Good night.

He walks away.


INT. LIVINGROOM, WHITE HOUSE – NIGHT

Blush enters and sits down at a table. On the chair opposite him sits a JESUS look alike. LAURA, Blush’s wife walks behind Blush and holds a Bible over his head. Blush and Jesus start eating soup. Jesus offers him a pretzel.

BLUSH
No, thanks. There’s a blackout
in New York.

JESUS
Blame the Canadians.

Blush gets up and walks, followed by Laura, still holding the Bible over his head, to the couch, were his daughters, Jenny and Barby watch TV. He sits down on the coffee table.

Blush looks at Jesus. Jesus nods and indicates with his hand to go on. Laura holds the Bible over the head of Blush.

BLUSH
Are you girls still virgins.

The girls look at each other, blushing.

BARBY + JENNY
Dad.

BLUSH
Oh come on. Everyday I’m promoting
abstinence. I got the right to know
if my own daughters are out knob-hopping
every night.

He looks from to the other. The girls smile a fake smile and look at each other.

INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Johnny puts a tray with Mexican food and a bottle reading “Tequila Calaxico” and “You probably read about us in many a coroner’s report” on a table and sits down.

BILL BENNETT, carrying a paper bag in his hand enters and walks passed Johnny.

JOHNNY
Hi, Mr. Bennett. I loved your
book of virtues.

BILL
Shut up.

He walks to RUSH LIMBAUGH, sitting at a table, drinking from a tequila bottle.

BILL
Hi, Rush.

He hands him the bag. Rush hands him a stack of dollars.

BILL
Viva Las Vegas.

He makes a dance move and leaves. Rush opens the bag, takes out a box of pills and empties it in his mouth. Johnny unwraps his food.

JOHNNY
God damn it. I wanted a burrito.

He gets up and walks to the counter. Ray is in front of him. He has a guitar, dark glasses and a stick indicating he’s blind. An EMPLOYEE pours a glass of Whiskey.

EMPLOYEE
What happened to your eyes?

RAY
The police maced me. They said I was
driving a stolen car. Spacey lied again.

He takes the glass and walks away. Johnny signals the employee.

JOHNNY
Excuse me, I wanted…

Rush shoves him aside.

RUSH
I ordered a burrito. You gave
me a taco. Don’t you know the
difference, you stupid idiot?

EMPLOYEE
Floor manager.

RUSH
Illegal immigrants run circles
around our fat American workers.

EMPLOYEE
Floor manager.

The FLOOR MANAGER walks up to them.

MANAGER
What seems to be the problem, Sir?

RUSH
I ordered a burrito. He gave me a taco.

The floor manager takes the taco, farts loudly and gives it back.

MANAGER
Your burrito, Sir.

RUSH
Thanks for the speedy service.

He walks away.

MANAGER
No thanks. I used to work for
Delta Airlines. What can I do
for you, Sir?

Johnny shakes his head and walks back to his seat. Ray is sitting at a table next to him. He plays the guitar.



RAY
(singing)
I’m telling you, sometimes, sometimes.
What’s up with you? Sometimes,
sometimes, I just don’t understand you.

JOHNNY
(singing)
Your mind works in mysterious ways and
I don’t mean that as a compliment.

Ray grins.

JOHNNY
(singing)
Look at me. I got a tequila in my hand
and a pain in my brain. What’s your
problem? Haven’t I been nice to you?
Have I disappointed you?

BOUNCY BUNS, black, 20’s with a T-shirt saying “bouncy” walks up to them.

BOUNCY
(singing)
All this time together, this is the first
time you ask me how I feel.

They look at each other. Johnny gets up and walks up to her.

JOHNNY
I know you. Your album kicked
mine off the number one spot.
You’re Bouncy Buns.

BOUNCY
I know you too. I’ve been after
you for quite a while.

She smiles. He looks surprised. He sighs.

BOUNCY
What’s wrong?


JOHNNY
Earlier this evening me and some guys
killed someone. We gave him concrete
shoes and dumped him in the harbor.
I don’t feel too good.

BOUNCY
I know just the remedy.

She winks, grabs his hand and pulls him out of the restaurant.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Johnny is lying on the bed. Bouncy enters the room with a naughty smile and begins to strip off her shirt, revealing her bra.

Johnny sits up. She turns around and continues to strip off her skirt, revealing her panties.

She dances looking over her shoulder to Johnny and shakes her butt. After a few seconds Johnny grabs a lamp and lights his face.

JOHNNY
Hey, sweetie, I’m white. If you
wanna arouse me you gotta show
me some boobies.

She shakes her boobs. She walks to him and gets in bed. Johnny closes his eyes, pulls up his knees and puts his thumb in his mouth, smiling contently.

BOUNCY
What are you doing?

JOHNNY
I’m dreaming of your boobs.

BOUNCY
My boobs are in your face.

JOHNNY
Leave me be. I’m having such a
beautiful dream about you.

BOUNCY
Stupid white boy.

She lies down on the bed, exasperated. She gets a naughty look on her face. She looks at Johnny.

BOUNCY
Johnny, what have you been
dreaming about ever since
you had your first wet dream.

JOHNNY
A busty babe jumping out of a Playboy.

Bouncy sits on her knees next to him.

BOUNCY
Johnny, Johnny, your dream’s come true.

Johnny opens his eyes and looks at Bouncy, smiling in surprise.

JOHNNY
Wow. Thanks, Mr. Hefner.

Bouncy unbuttons her bra.

INT. MUSIC HALL – NIGHT

Dr. Flo and Big Prick are onstage rapping to a cheering AUDIENCE.

VOICE (V.O.)
Damn it. I missed the tittie scene.
Screw the director.

DR. FLO
So you tried, but didn’t succeed.

BIG PRICK
Killer Inc sent boys to do a
man’s job.

DR. FLO
Nickel, grab the mic and holler.

Silkh drives a sparkling convertible Rolls Royce on stage. In the back are Young Thug and Nickel, both wearing mink coats and hats.

The audience cheers. Silkh gets out and opens the door. Nickel gets out, looking at him with bedroom eyes and raises his arms.

Young Thug exits too, carrying a candelabra. Nickel speaks with a different, gayish voice.

NICKEL
Do you like my fur coat?

The audience cheers. Nickel opens his coat. He’s only wearing red hotpants, red rhinestone studded boots and a big platinum and diamond necklace showing an “M” in a disc. The audience cheers. Nickel points at two MEN in the audience.

NICKEL
Come onstage so you can take
a better look.

The men walk onstage. Nickel shows off his clothes.

NICKEL
Feel the fur. It’s mink. It’s
soft isn’t it.

The men nod appreciatively.

NICKEL
Look at my necklace.

He hits the “M”. It spins around in the disc. He gestures for the men to leave stage. Nickel raises his arms and turns all the way round and faces the audience again.

NICKEL
Do you like it?

The audience cheers.

NICKEL
You should. You paid for it.

He takes the candelabra from Young Thug and puts it on the turntable. He blows the candelabra a kiss. It lights up. The audience cheers.

DR. FLO
Something’s gone terribly wrong
since he’s been shot in the mouth.

EXT. STREET – DAY

Johnny is walking on the pavement. Woody and Haystack run next to each other on the street. Haystack is holding a steering wheel.

HAYSTACK
Brrrmmm. Brrrmm.

They stop next to Johnny.

HAYSTACK
Miep, miep.

JOHNNY
Where’s your truck?

VOICE (V.O.)
We’re over budget. Just act like there’s
a truck, then the viewers will think
they’re the ones who are crazy.

WOODY
Get in.

Johnny acts like he’s opening the door, gets in and closes the door.

JOHNNY
Bam.

HAYSTACK
I’m going to drive now. Brrrmmm,
brrrmmm.

They run away next to each other.

HAYSTACK
We gotta talk to you.

WOODY
What’s this talk about you having
a black girlfriend.

JOHNNY
She’s half black and half white.

WOODY
Oh well, as long as you stay on her
right side, that’s OK I guess.

HAYSTACK
No dumbass. Johnny, this is not you.
What happened to the South will rise again?
She must’ve brainwashed you. Leave her.

JOHNNY
I love her.

WOODY
You got a choice to make. Either her
or us.

JOHNNY
Guys, come on.

WOODY
If that’s your answer, there’s the door.

HAYSTACK
Johnny wait.

Johnny looks at him in anticipation.

JOHNNY
Yes.
HAYSTACK
I gotta stop the truck first. Rrrr.

Johnny acts like he opens the door, gets out and closes the door.

JOHNNY
Bam.

The two run away.

HAYSTACK
Brrrmmm. Brrrmm.

Johnny sits down on a bench. A BAGLADY pushing a cart walks up to him.

BAGLADY
Hey, get out of my bed. Police, police,
a rape artist. Help.

Johnny runs away.

EXT. STREET – DAY

Johnny walks into a phone booth. He looks for change. The phone rings. He picks up the horn.

JOHNNY
Hello?

BOUNCY (V.O.)
I’m the Celebrity Stalker. If
you put down the horn, you will
die.

JOHNNY
What? Who is this? Bouncy Buns?

BOUNCY
No, I’m the Celebrity Stalker.
How did you know it was me?

JOHNNY
It’s me Johnny. What are you doing?

BOUNCY
Johnny? I thought you were that
chipmunk, what’s his name, Ashton
Kutcher.
JOHNNY
I feel terrible.

BOUNCY
What’s up, baby?

JOHNNY
The whole world’s gone mad. All my
friends shun me because of you and
Spliff wants to attack Moth Records
again. I just gotta do something
about this hatred.

BOUNCY
I agree with you sweetie. I will help
you.

JOHNNY
Thanks sweetie. By the way that Ashton
you were talking about, does his head
look like a combed beaver?

BOUNCY
Yes.

JOHNNY
He’s on his way. Bye sweetie.

He puts down the horn and leaves.

EXT. HOUSE – DAY

Bouncy and Johnny stand in front of the door. Bouncy rings the bell. Nothing. Johnny rings. Nothing. He rings again. Moroccan opens the door.

JOHNNY
We rang three times.

MOROCCAN
I was playing Nintendo. What
do you want?

BOUNCY
Minister Moroccan, you gotta help us.


MOROCCAN
Hmm. Come in.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

Bouncy, Johnny and Moroccan sit down.

MOROCCAN
What can I do for you?

JOHNNY
Minister, you gotta help us stop
the war between Killer Inc and Moth
records. You’re the only one
commanding respect from both sides.

MOROCCAN
I’ll do my best.

BOUNCY
We also want to ask you to bless
our marriage.

Bouncy and Johnny hold hands and smile at each other. Moroccan gets up.

MOROCCAN
No, no, no, girl, don’t marry
this white boy. He’ll break your
heart. Whites always do.

Slowly a white man in a white suit and a bowtie, BIG DADDY
materializes. Moroccan looks at him in shock.

MOROCCAN
Big daddy? Is that you big daddy?
I sound like one of those freaking
Golden Girls. Big daddy is that you?

BIG DADDY
Yes, my son it’s me.


MOROCCAN
Big daddy, why, why did you desert
us? Why did you hurt mom so bad?

BIG DADDY
I loved your mom so much. One day she
told me you were on the way. A
relationship like ours was not accepted
in those days. I was young, I panicked.
I chickened out.

He cries.

BIG DADDY
I should’ve fought, but I left. Life’s
been hell ever since. Not being able
to be with the woman I love or to
hold my own son. I’m sorry, son.

MOROCCAN
Big daddy.

They embrace.

BIG DADDY
Son promise me that you’ll learn
from my mistake. Whenever you find
love, embrace it, even if the other
is different.

MOROCCAN
I promise dad.

BIG DADDY
There’s something else I wanted to
tell you.

MOROCCAN
Yes big daddy.

BIG DADDY
It’s about Johnny.



MOROCCAN
Figures. A movie about a black social
issue would never get a budget.

BIG DADDY
Johnny is here to fulfill the prophesy.
He’s the chosen one.

He slowly disappears.

MOROCCAN
Big daddy, will I ever see you again?

BIG DADDY
Yes son, you, mom and me will all
meet one day. Son, I’m proud of you.

Big Daddy disappears.

MOROCCAN
Johnny you are the chosen one.

JOHNNY
I am?

MOROCCAN
I’ve been waiting and preparing
for your arrival for years. Come
with me.

Moroccan opens a drawer, takes a bundle of clothes and gives them to Johnny.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

Johnny, hair combed back, wearing sunglasses and a long black coat, Matrix style, looks at Bouncy and Moroccan, both wearing long leather coats and sunglasses.

JOHNNY
What does this all mean?

MOROCCAN
You were sent to end hate, oppression
and hunger in the United States. This
is the beginning of a long journey of
learning and meditation, Chosen One.

JOHNNY
Where do I begin?

Moroccan leads him to the window.

MOROCCAN
Begin with this.

He takes a piece of cloth and moves it over the window.

MOROCCAN
Wax on, wax off.

He gives Johnny the cloth. Johnny throws it back.

JOHNNY
Clean your own damn windows.

MOROCCAN
You’re ready. Let’s go.

INT. HOUSE, LIVING ROOM – DAY

The Moth Records crew stand on one side, the Killer Inc crew together stand on the other side.

JOHNNY
Will they come?

BOUNCY
They will come.

Haystack and Woody enter the room. They walk over to Johnny.

JOHNNY
You did come.

WOODY
We’ve known you since you were
running around in, uh, without
diapers. We family.

They embrace Johnny and Bouncy.

MOROCCAN
Brothers, we have gathered here
to try to end this bloody rivalry
between you. Can’t you see you are
bashing in each others brains, while
Spacey is cashing in?

DR. FLO
This has nothing to do with Spacey
We are rivals.

MOROCCAN
Is that so, brother? If you are rivals,
then why does Spacey own 75 percent of
both your companies?

SPLIFF
He owns 75 percent of your company?

DR. FLO
Yes, yours too?

SPLIFF
Yes, he told me he was gonna help
me destroy Moth records.

DR. FLO
He told me the same.

MOROCCAN
Do you now see, brothers, your rivalry
is just a tool to divide and rule you

DR. FLO
I don’t believe this. No peace,
unless Killer Inc surrenders.

NICKEL
No, it’s time to end this hate. Lately
I’ve discovered new feelings. Some
people will not accept me for who I am.
Hate is hate. No I want peace.

He extends his hand. Slowly the others put their hands on his.

DR. FLO
This won’t be easy. Spacey will
never let us go.

MOROCCAN
Luckily, we were sent help, brothers.
The Chosen One will lead us to freedom.

Everybody cheers. Johnny raises his hand.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Johnny, wearing a long black coat and sunglasses looks at Bouncy, who’s sleeping. Cautiously he walks over to her and kisses her. Cautiously he walks to the door. Bouncy wakes up.

BOUNCY
Where are you going?

JOHNNY
Nowhere sweetie. Go back to sleep.

BOUNCY
No, tell me where you’re going.

JOHNNY
I gotta get into Spacey’s restaurant.
I gotta find his source of strength.

BOUNCY
Let me go with you.

JOHNNY
No, this is a man’s job.

BOUNCY
All right, I know you men are stronger
and smarter than us women. I will
obey you. Please be careful.

They kiss. Johnny gets up.


BOUNCY
When you get back I’ll have breakfast
ready for you.

Johnny leaves the room.

EXT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT

Johnny walks to the door. He tries to open it. It’s closed. He takes keys from his pocket and opens the door.

INT. RESTAURANT – NIGHT
Johnny enters. He looks around. He looks up and points with his finger.

JOHNNY
The basement is there, right?

He walks in that direction and opens the door.